Stop Trying to Find Yourself

Stop trying to find yourself.

How well your contour your make up and how many likes you get on Instagram does not make you who you are. Your health or lack thereof doesn't make you who you are. Your car, job, school, house or the person you marry doesn't make you who you are. Clothes and fashion do not make you who you are.

Your mind and your soul, those are what make you who you are - and that body of yours - it's a vehicle to get those two things around. Unfortunately, as an entire society we have allowed Satan to deceive us into thinking the vehicle and our status is the most important thing: Fame, Fortune and Beauty.

God has certainly given us things to enjoy in this life - the vehicle and status (so to speak) included - but the distraction comes when we make priority the things created to enjoy instead of seeking a relationship with Him. Those things will never satisfy you - and many times you'll see they are the very thing that causes emptiness and hopelessness. But God knows who we are and what we should do and His Word is our guide through life.

You don't have to find yourself. If you read the Word, it will reveal to you who God made you to be. It gives you the confidence you need so you don't find yourself feeling bad when you don't get the attention you are looking for, and it will satisfy your every need. The only seeking you need to do is to seek a relationship with Jesus. He will help you in everything you do and in every decision. He will take your worries and give you peace. His glory in you makes you beautiful. Jesus is the One that should be Famous, His Fortune is in love and His Beauty is blinding. If we strive to be with Jesus - we are privy to all of that and more.

My opinion, stop trying to find yourself - and find Jesus instead.  <3

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"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don’t fuss about what’s on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds."

"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them."

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met."

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:25-34 MSG

Filters

In a general sense, it's interesting how many filters we use on our photos - yet how little filters we use on our words. We don't want people to see what we really look like, hiding behind good lighting, trying to look the best we can to the world - but really we are rotten through and through deep inside.   We should all be glad that our inward appearance isn't literally translated into our outward appearance or we'd need a lot more filters! However, it does come out in our words, our thoughts and for some of us, in google searches we think no one sees.

There is this filter that I have found extremely helpful in my life when I have had to deal with massive depression, anxiety, confidence issues, addictions, comparison, figuring out who I am, temptations etc etc.

Anytime a thought comes into my mind that is negative, shoots me down or causes me to doubt or reason myself into a bad decision, I think about this verse in the Bible that says that we should "...take every thought captive..."

What does it mean to take something captive? It is usually thought of in light of war: made or held prisoner. And when people are held captive for war what do they do to the prisoner? They search them, they interrogate them: ask them relentless questions about what and why they are doing.

The rest of the verse goes on to say, "...to make it obedient to Christ." So if the thought comes into my head that does not line up with the Word of God, or what God would say or think of me I intentionally search that thought and argue it out of my mind by using the Truth of God's word. (Full verse: We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5)

Practically speaking if I'm mad at someone and I'm tempted to say something that would hurt them, knowing the Word of God helps me filter what I'm about to say by measuring it against what God says.

• The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences. Proverbs 18:21
• Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent. Proverbs 17:28
• Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. Ephesians 4:29
• Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:3-32
• The lips of the godly speak helpful words, but the mouth of the wicked speaks perverse words. Proverbs 10:32
• The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; the mouth of the wicked overflows with evil words. Proverbs 15:28
• When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. Proverbs 31:26
• ...we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. Ephesians 4:15

There are so many examples of the same idea about but for different thoughts, worries, "what do I do?'s for practical application of God's Word. Whether you are a Christian or not, there is much wisdom in the Word of God, it is a good filter... It will change how you really look on the inside, which is the most important thing - contrary to cultural belief.

Sex, Cocaine and God's Presence

Many studies have been conducted to examine brain activity, especially as it is affected by outside influences. Sex, tobacco, cocaine, sugar, and fear are often the centers of these types of studies. Our brains search and crave for pleasure, our bodies can and do become addicted to things that trigger happiness, pleasure or satisfaction - even if it could be its demise.

I wonder though, what would our brains and bodies look like if they studied us in the presence of God? Could we measure what it looks like to have peace that no one can explain? Could we measure the reassurance of being loved unconditionally and whole? Could we measure what it feels like to have fulfillment in areas that feel empty or how it feels to move from loneliness to comfort? Never do I feel as complete as I do in God's presence. It makes me want more...

Lightning Crashed

Sadly I know that not everyone can say this but I must say that I owe so much to my parents. More than I'll ever really know I'm sure.

Lightning crashed and thunder rolled as I kissed my sweet 11 year old daughter Auria goodnight tonight. Upon exiting I made a quick comment telling her, "Enjoy the lightening show!" of which she looked out the window and said, "I will."

Sometimes as a mother of older kids and teenagers there are circumstances that make me reflective. Recently much of what goes on in my life and that of my kids' is the developmental guidance that steers towards adulthood. That of which, mentally, is much more exhaustive than I would have imagined. Not that I don't love the season we are in because I do. I have enjoyed every season as it came and went with it's ups and downs, as challenging as it may have been. But this season weighs so heavily on me as a mother because I know they are well on their way to being adults. I don't take my responsibilities lightly.

As I sat outside and watched that lightning I thought about how strong Auria is. She isn't afraid of the lightning or thunder anymore. She doesn't remember waking up in the middle of the night crying as a little girl afraid. She doesn't remember me holding her close and rocking her during the many storms that scared her. She doesn't remember me telling her that its going to be alright and not to be afraid. She lives in the now. Auria doesn't remember how she became strong.

As an adult I've forgotten how I've become strong. There are bits and pieces of my memory that allow me to remember glimpses of my childhood, but I could never grasp all that it took to invest in me as my parents can. I have been blessed with parents that have done their best. They had rough upbringings and had rough lives in general yet by God's grace they raised me to be strong, to love God and to pass that on to the next generation.

I thank God for that lightning storm, the memories of my mom's cuddles in her gi-normous fluffy green robe, my dad talking me into jumping off roofs and all the things that the Lord has put in my path along the way that has made me, my daughter and the generations to come strong.

Thank you Mom and Dad, I love you.

"There have been meetings of only a moment which have left impressions for life ...for eternity. No one can understand that mysterious thing we call ‘influence’ ...yet everyone of us continually exerts influence, either to heal, to bless, to leave marks of beauty; or to wound, to hurt, to poison, to stain other lives." ~J.B. Miller

My Laundry

Six loads of laundry were sitting on my bedroom floor waiting for me to fold them and put them away while yet another two loads needed washed, dried and put away. I do not look forward to this task for laundry is my most dreaded chore.

What I thought was going to be a long drawn out and boring afternoon turned out to be quite in an intimate time with my God. The Holy Spirit decided to join me as I folded and put away my clothes. At one point I thought I was going to have to re-dry my clothes for the tears would not stop coming. I often cry when I spend time in the presence of God because I can't help feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by His peace, grace, love and forgiveness.

As I sat and listened to my own thoughts I found myself regretting. I had read a CS Lewis quote today that said, "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us." So true.

I am guilty.

I have a tendency to let my mind wander ...and from my experience I know that that is when I let Satan talk to me until my head full of whatever he wants. In this case it was regret, disappointment and discouragement. In all reality I believe this quote beckons us to come to what will truly and forever fulfill and satisfy us, but today I let myself wade in dismay. It only takes a little it seems to be brought down when I have let my guard down.

I knew I needed to counteract so I turned on a podcast of John Piper. He was preaching the Word of God just like I needed to hear. Straight up. I don't need a lot of padding and pampering. I prefer the truth in love minus the beating around the bush. So anyway, John is preaching how Christ came for the broken, the imperfect, the downcast and the lost...not the goody-two-shoes who have it all goin' on, with no problems at all, thinkin' they've got it all figured out.

I say hallelujah to that!

I am a saint, according to The Word, because Jesus Christ has wiped my slate clean. But that doesn't mean I don't come from a lifetime of sin and addictions and devastation. Because I do. And I have chosen the drink, the sex and ambition instead of the infinite joy that comes from Him and Him alone, in the past many times and even recently. There is a grieving my soul will go through when I purposefully choose to ignore what I know is right and decide to follow my own way, this is true. But as I sat in God's presence today He gently and lovingly reminded me that I need not be guilty, or regret. It is not His will for me to be disappointed, discouraged. His mercies are new every morning. Well, at any moment of repentance, as a matter of fact. God can use what we go through to help others or in someway that brings glory to His name. All I know is that I've tasted both sides of this world and I want the infinite joy of God more than anything!

Thank you Lord for helping me get through my laundry and ...well... my life.

Bits from Psalm 42
As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?

My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long,“Where is your God?”

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you.

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me—a prayer to the God of my life.

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

I Will Not Give In

I will not give in. I need to say that to myself over and over. I need to remember to access the strength that I've been given.

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New lives have entered my world and others have passed on, new friendships gained and others lost. The last few years have been some of the most difficult years but of course I wouldn't change anything. I cherish those moments that I was stretched so thin I could see inside. Pressing times reveal the most hidden and protected, that which needs to be removed, refined or sharpened. I know that though I have made mistakes, though there are parts of me I did not like, things I wish I had not done or should have done ... I stand here today a better person than I was yesterday. I look back not with regret, but having gained in wisdom and been prepared to move forward in all I've learned. I will not give up I will not give in and this coming year I proclaim, will be better than the last. I will say that ever year.

A friend of mine once told me that if you are going to build a skyscraper, that the foundation must be deep. The higher the building the deeper the basement. It must be flexible to sway in the winds of everyday, but strong enough withstand the most dangerous storms [which of course come unexpectedly]. Not just in my life, but of my family's ... God has seen us through the digging of the necessary, the filtering of the garbage and the foundation has been laid. I will be bold enough to say that I expect God to heighten us, to construct us and to begin the erecting of a building that will never be brought down in this life or the next.

In the past my boldness, my mouth and my attitude got me into much trouble. Those very things are now the strengths which speak into my future victory and success. To God be the glory, He that was, is and is to come; the Way, the Truth and the Life, the Beginning and the End. One day every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord and I choose to say it now. I choose while I still have the choice. I choose to believe when I cannot see. I choose to love Him because He first loved me.

Someday, there will be people who will believe because this life will be over and there will be nothing left unrevealed. That which lies in the unseen realms will be unveiled. His power, His Majesty and His presence will be undeniable and I sense there will be deep and painful remorse for many. I pray for everyone I know to think about this world, why you are here, what your purpose is, the dreams in your heart and what God’s will is for your life. I cannot imagine going through life, just existing and trying to get through it on my own. John 16:33 Jesus says, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

If we choose and Christ lives in us, we have too overcome the world.

I’m speaking in faith over my family that of llove, generosity, prosperity, health, joy and victory over all plots of destruction that we may face.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope…”

I pray the same for all of you reading this.

intimately acquainted

i wrestle with certain notions on occasion.

i trust.

i love.

i cry deeply for righteousness sake.

however, on occasion doubt emerges. i find myself laying on the couch cradled in suspision.

at first i bark of all the contradictions.

my body tense.

my anger bursting forth.

but as i grow silent, peace overwhelms me. i will not share my insecurities, doubts planted at my demise but to say i learned something tonight.

there are many" if's" in the bible that in order to acquire we must fulfill the "then's".

the first few words of the first line of psalm 91 says so much that life or death can hang in the balance.

Those who LIVE, or in another translation DWELLS...in the presence or shelter of the Most High... the following is for them.

The original language associates this as if one was married; as to say: for those of you so very intimately acquainted with the Most High God, that most every decision that is made goes by Him, that every plan is submitted and asked of His opinion...His will, that my desire is to serve Him, to help Him, to please Him, to be ever so close to Him... only you will this belong to.

Not everyone has a healthy marriage. But in order to have what is on the table here... our "marriage" to God is absolutely essential. Not to be taken lightly, for a small decision that leads us outside of God's shelter could bring devestating results in the physical or the spiritual.

Let us not take for granted what God so freely offers and pursue the most important part of life... and that is an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ.


Psalm 91

1 Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.
3 For he will rescue you from every trap
and protect you from deadly disease.
4 He will cover you with his feathers.
He will shelter you with his wings.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
5 Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
nor the arrow that flies in the day.
6 Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
7 Though a thousand fall at your side,
though ten thousand are dying around you,
these evils will not touch you.
8 Just open your eyes,
and see how the wicked are punished.
9 If you make the Lord your refuge,
if you make the Most High your shelter,
10 no evil will conquer you;
no plague will come near your home.
11 For he will order his angels
to protect you wherever you go.
12 They will hold you up with their hands
so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.
13 You will trample upon lions and cobras;
you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!
14 The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.
15 When they call on me, I will answer;
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue and honor them.
16 I will reward them with a long life
and give them my salvation.”

BEing Vs DOing

I can’t stop thinking about the realization that I had recently. My realization has been that “God created me not to DO something but to BE someone”. It may be old news to you but for me, it’s changing everything inside of me. In reading through a couple of bible stories regarding two people named Martha and Mary, I’ve decided one thing. I am a Martha.

For most of my life I have served other people. I won’t deny I’m a doer, I have a hard time sitting still, resting or not being involved. And don’t get me wrong, I have a precious relationship with the Lord. However, it is very rare that I sit at the feet of our Savior and just listen. It is rare that I “BE STILL” and know that He is God.

The realization is changing me because the things that people DO are replaceable. And we’ve all heard or been taught that we as leaders at work or church or wherever, if we are good leaders will make ourselves replaceable. It makes it an easy transition if we leave or something happens, etc and it is important. But what I love about God and how he sees us is that WHO we are is not replaceable! What we do may be replaceable but who He made us to BE is not. He loves us so much that He took the time to make each one of us different, unique and special to Himself. Even as parents to children, we do not choose what our kids will be like or look like, but God—He did.

I love the example that Jesus gives in Luke 15, the parable of the lost sheep. He basically asked through a shepard’s point of view, “…if you had 100 sheep and one got lost, wouldn’t you leave the ninety-nine and go looking for it?”

He loves His creation: sinners and saints alike. Each one of us is so special to Him, so important that He’ll gently pursue us in hopes to bring us back to Himself. God cares about WHO we are… not that we were #100 in the group or that I baa-ed the loudest! I am important to Him. Me! …irreplaceable in God’s eyes...

All this love makes me want to be a better person, closer to Christ and out of all that I know that God will DO great things. And if so, I’d be honored to be His vessel.

I love Him because He first loved me.

Thank you, Lord and help me to take the time as Mary did to sit at Your feet.

OMG I'm Thirsty!!

It is very rare that I sweat. It's also very rare that I feel thirsty. It's weird, I know that now, but for so long I had no idea that it was a bad thing.

I was on my couch a few years ago, coupled with pain. I laid on the couch for about six months before any doctors or I could figure out what the heck was wrong with me. Yeah ok, so I know there is much wrong with me...but we'll save that for another time. ;) So anyway, one day I heard of this online holistic doctor and clinic. For a minute I thought what you are probably thinking right now...oh boy. But honestly, no one else could help me. I had every test, procedure and blood work done to no avail. So I called.

This doctor went through a list of questions for me. Many of them the typical background kind of questions. But then he asked me something that none of the other doctors had asked me. "Do you drink water?"

"No." No was my answer. He proceeded to tell me how much water my size body needed to drink EVERY SINGLE DAY. I was like, "What? You have got to be kidding me!?" I'm thinking, "I would drown if I drank that much water." This doctor couldn't believe that I hardly ever drank anything. I went on to tell him that I just don't feel thirsty. In my mind, why would I drink something if I wasn't thirsty? I didn't think about drinking water or much else and I didn't crave it so I guess I figured I didn't need it. APPARENTLY I was slightly uninformed.

My body was shutting down. I had been dehydrated for so long, my organs were now paying the price for the lack of water, the very thing I needed to sustain my life. The doctor told me something I will NEVER forget. He said, "You're body has become a desert. When you stopped giving yourself water it jumped into survival mode." We all know that deserts are for the most part, lifeless. There is very little alive and that which is alive is dry, prickle and colorless. I had deprived my body of water for so long, it survived as long as it could as a desert but as no relief came it began to shut down.

But, it wasn't too late for me, he said. Not if I made the initiative to fix the problem. The solution is quite easy. He went on to tell me that if I wanted to be healthy I needed to make my body feel thirsty. I had to condition it to desire water. In other words, I needed to drink to make my body realize it needed a drink. Once my body got used to having the water it needs (to flush out toxins and to hydrate the 90% of my body that is MADE of water), if I deprived it of water from then on...I would feel thirsty. Even if I'm not thirsty at first, I must make the effort. Imagine that! I could change the future of my health! I tried it and guess what?! Now, I get thirsty!

So today, when I was driving down the road in the ninety degree weather I thought, "OMG I'm thirsty!" It's something I'm grateful for, a signal to remind me to take care of myself.

This experience goes far more deep than that. Six months is a short amount of time compared to the many people who live their whole life on the couch. So many of us go along in life dying inside and not even knowing it. Not even realizing we need something. In Mark 6 the Bible says, "...late that night, the disciples were in their boat in the middle of the lake, and Jesus was alone on land. He saw that they were in serious trouble, rowing hard and struggling against the wind and waves. About three o'clock in the morning Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. He intended to go past them, but when they saw him walking on the water, they cried out ... But Jesus spoke to them at once. "Don't be afraid," he said. "Take courage! I am here!" Then he climbed into the boat, and the wind stopped."

You know the part that blows my mind?! "He intended to go past them." What?! Jesus was intending to leave them on their own even though they were in the midst of a serious storm! But you know, that is the God I know and love. He never pushes Himself on anyone. He never shouts, forces us to do anything, BIBLE THUMPS or puts on the guilt trip. No. He waits until we cry out. He waits until we want Him.

Our lives can so easily become deserts. If we, intentionally or unintentionally condition ourselves to live without God we will eventually not feel like we need or want Him anymore. And sometimes not even realize it! It's little by little. Soon we will not thirst for God nor the things of God. If we aren't the one that cries out to Him, He will pass on by. I don't know about you, but I want to feel thirsty. I want to drink God's water... and if I'm not getting enough, I need that signal that lets me know, I need to take care of myself. If you aren't thirsty it is my high recommendation that you seek God, our loving Creator. Drink Him up and pretty soon it will become apparent that you have no life without Him.

I am so angry!

I recently helped my girlfriend move her son back with her after he had been living with his dad for about a year. He wasn't living in the best conditions and some events has transpired that lead her to take action and bring him back to live with her. He was bummed because it's the end of the school year and he would have to come into a new school with one month left. We all know that it's a nerve racking and lonely place to be.

He has been in his new school for about a week and yesterday while he was at the park some kids were messin with him and took his bike. He obviously didn't want that to happen so he told them to give him his bike back. They decided he needed his butt kicked and the beating commenced. He didn't fight back, he just blocked as much as he could while he whaled on him. The black eye and cut up face showed that even with the blocking this kid got a beating. He is one of the nicest kids I've met.

Bullying makes me so angry. While I was Youth Director at my former church I ran across case after case of suicides and attempted suicides resulting from the bullying of other kids. Something needs to be done. I can't just listen to these stories and not get involved. Praying about the next step.